prodigal daughter?

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it. 1 Corinthians 10:13 (MSG)

Sometimes I think why do I seem to have to suffer so much stress and pain most of my life. I feel like it haunts me and the good times only last briefly before the next painful trial comes my way. I feel like as I grow older as well that the pain gets worse and worse. I don't know why. I try to tell myself that there is always good to come out of the pain and suffering I've endured. I know that some of it is my own doing and just a natural consequence of my actions. But I think that some of it is not my direct actions but things that others do to me or things that happens and I have to endure it. Sometimes I am so bogged down in the pain or anger or shame that I feel that I literally cannot take it anymore. I start crying to God that I can't take it. I recently started to ask God what is the point. Is all my suffering and pain achieving, accomplishing, benefiting anything really? Is it really doing much of anything at all for me or for others? That is what always kept me going through all the other pain. But, I feel like well what is it? What is the point of such immense pain and suffering that I am enduring in my own life? I want to be able to know that it's all for at least something, so that at least I feel like I'm enduring it for some good purpose and not just being in pain for the sake of being in pain. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode from the pain. I need to escape, but I can't. I can't kill myself, nor can I run away from the pain. I have to just sit there and take it. I get tired sometimes of thinking, feeling, doing and even praying about it. What is my purpose? What is the point of it all? What am I supposed to do, think, feel? I don't know anymore sometimes. I still keep holding on to God though, holding on to hope. Because I know that there are only two choices, the light or the dark. I've been down the road of darkness before and it's hell. It doesn't do me any good at all and there's absolutely no point. I want to be on God's side. But, sometimes, often actually I really don't know what I'm supposed to do, think and feel about something. Sometimes I just really would like if there was a handwritten list of the exact things that God wants me to do so then I know for sure instead of wondering and contemplating it, trying to figure it out from the Bible and meditating with the Holy Spirit and praying to the Father. I think what am I doing? Why is everything so confusing. Why do I keep failing so hardcore. It makes me want to disappear, but I can't and don't really actually want that. I just want to live in God's will and know that I am in the right and live my life in such a way that is pleasing to Him and for everything to be alright for those that I love so dearly otherwise everything is painful and seemingly too much to bear. I need God all the time. I need His steps, orders, guidance. I need His love. I need His wisdom. I don't want to be in the wrong anymore. I hate sin and I don't want to in pain and be scared anymore.